10 Who can find a virtuous man?
For his worth is far above chocolate.
11 The heart of his wife safely trusts him;
So he will have no dalliance with bimbos.
12 He does her good and not evil
All the days of his life.
13 He seeks motor oil and socket wrenches,
And willingly works with his hands.
14 He is like the personal shopper,
He brings her food from Harrod's
(or Fortnum's, in a pinch).
15 He also rises while it is yet night,
And makes coffee for her household,
And feedeth the cats.
16 He considers a stock and buys it;
From his profits he invests in a mutual fund.
17 He girds himself with sensitivity,
And learns the art of listening.
18 He perceives that his benefits are good,
And his lamp does not go out by night,
unless his Beloved desires his presence.
19 He stretches out his hands to the stove,
And his hand holds the spatula.
20 He extends his hand to the poor,
Yes, he reaches out his hands to the needy.
[Can't improve on that one!]
21 He is not afraid of snow for his household,
For all his household is stocked with batteries,
a kerosene heater, and kitty litter for icy spots.
22 He takes an interest in the laundry,
and yea, can wield an iron
and the can of spray starch.
And his socks match.
23 His wife is known in the congregation,
when she sits on the Vestry.
24 He remembers birthdays and writeth his own cards,
And helps with the Christmas shopping and wrapping.
25 Sensitivity and openness are his clothing;
he shall rejoice in sessions with the marriage counselor.
26 He opens his mouth with sharing,
And on his tongue is the law of Sharing His Feelings.
27 He watches not over-muchly of sporting events,
And does not eat the potato chips of idleness.
28 His children rise up and call him Daddy,
especially when his wife is down with the flu;
His wife also, and she praises him:
29 "I can't believe you did the dishes all by yourself."
30 Charm is deceitful (just look at Bill Clinton)
and hunkiness is passing,
But a man who fears God, he shall be praised.
31 Give him a beer,
And let his own works praise him in the women's group.
32 He developeth not a pot belly
nor 5 o'clock shadow
nor belcheth at the dinner table.
He notices not his wife's varicose veins or cellulite.
33 He rejoices in his wife's spending sprees
to keep herself lovely for him
and falls at her feet to worship her.
He obliges her not to adorn herself
with cheap polyester.
Jerry Merchant and Mary Matthews