"Stuff" Happens

"Why me?" You cry. "Why does this, um, 'stuff,' always happen to me?"

You're not alone; everyone wonders, though few have any answers. Here is a quasi-comprehensive list about how different groups react to what we will euphemistically call "stuff" happening.

• Taoism — "Stuff" happens.
• Islam — If "stuff" happens, it is the will of Allah.
• Hinduism — This "stuff" has happened before.
• Hindus — "Stuff" happened, "stuff" happens, "stuff" will happen.
• Buddhism — If "stuff" happens, it really isn't "stuff."
• Zen Buddhism — What is the sound of "stuff" happening?
• Zen Buddhism — If "stuff" falls in the forest and no one hears it, is it really "stuff"?
• Paganism — "Stuff" is part of the Goddess, too, you know!
• Scientology — Faeces occur.
• Hare Krishna — "Stuff" happens! "Stuff" happens! "Stuff" happens! "Stuff" happens! . . .
• Atheism — "Stuff" happens for no apparent reason.
• Atheism — "Stuff" happens, and there is no "stuff."
• Agnosticism — F*rts happen.
• Roman Catholics — If "stuff" happens to you, you did something to deserve it.
• Jehovah's Witnesses — Let us in and we'll tell you why "stuff" happens.
• Fundamentalists — "Stuff" happens, I believe that "stuff" happens, and that settles it!
• Fundamentalists — Shout, "It's the vengeance of the Lord!"
• Lutherans — Post a notice on the outside door declaring that the "stuff" is not justified.
• Quakers — Quietly praise God for the blessings that "stuff" brings.
• Jews — Ask, "Why does 'stuff' always happen to me?"
• Jews — Post symbols on the door, hoping the "stuff" will pass over.
• Presbyterians — Appoint a chairperson who is to appoint a committee to look into the "stuff."
• Southern Baptists — Put the "stuff" under water.
• Episcopalians — Spend 12 years "dialoguing" about what constituted "stuff" happening.
• United Methodists — Make a methodical study of how "stuff" happens.
• Calvinists — "Stuff" won't happen to you if you work hard enough.
• Christian Scientists — Agree that there is no "stuff."
• Televangelists — Tell you "stuff" won't happen to you if you send in your love offering.
• Republicans — Refuse funding to keep the "stuff" from happening.
• Democrats — Declare that the "stuff" had a right to happen because of the environmental factors that preceded it.
• The Reform Party — Enshrines Ross's "stuff."
• Conservatives — The government causes "stuff" to happen.
• Liberals — Only the government can stop "stuff" from happening.
• Libertarians — I don't want the government to interfere with MY "stuff" happening.