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The World's Most Complete
Collection of Light Bulb Jokes

The following are every light bulb joke that the WizKids have ever heard.

It is possible to construct an infinite number of small variations on these jokes by substituting particular racial, ethnic, or social groups into these jokes, or by expanding a joke into a 70-line monster. Let us all resolve always to resist this impulse.

In case you have forgotten, the acronym "WASP" stands for "White Anglo-Saxon Protestant." Some of the LBJs that follow use "WASP" to represent the dominant ethnic group in the U.S. — upper-middle-class, bologna-and-mayonnaise-on-white-bread sorts. In Seattle, these are "Mercer Islander" jokes. In California, they are "Marin County" jokes, and so on.

Of course you may substitute any non-WASP ethnic group for "[ethnic]." It would spoil the fun for a joker to pick on a single ethnic group when there are so many deserving of picking on.

!WARNING! This file contains material that may be offensive to members of the following groups:

accountants, doctors, Marines, psychics, actors, dullards, Marxists, pygmies, anarchists, economists, men, right-to-lifers, artists, [ethnics], Mensans, Romulans, assholes, feminists, mice, Russians, astronomers, gays, militarists, shrinks, athletes, gods, musicians, software people, BBSers, he-men, necrophiliacs, students, bikers, IBM employees, New Jersey-ites, vice presidents, brewers, Iranians, New Yorkers, Vulcans, bureaucrats, Jews, Oregonians, WASPs, Californians, jugglers, philosophers, women, Chinese junkies, Poles, writers, Christians, lawyers, professors, Zen Buddhists

— and by now many others who are offended to have been left off this list.

This one just came in recently, and was so (painfully) funny I thought I'd present it out of alphabetical order:

Q. How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten:

  1. One to deny that any light bulb needs to be changed;
  2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
  3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
  4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;
  5. One to give a billion-dollar, no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
  6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under a banner reading “Bulb Change Accomplished” (which worked great until sundown);
  7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally “in the dark the whole time”;
  8. One to viciously smear No. 7;
  9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
  10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
     
  11. A

    Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

    Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

    Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.

    Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: ALL of them!!

    How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A1: None. The old one is complete and sufficient unto itself, and should not be changed according to the world's whims.
    A2: Four. One to call the electrician, one to clear it with the vestry, and two to argue about how much better candles were.
    A3: Five. One to screw in the new bulb and four to found an organization for the preservation of the old bulb.
    A4: A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.

    Q: How many anthropologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One or two, plus their grad students — but they'll want to know how your mother's family did it and whether that knowledge is passed along at adolescence.

    Q: How many subscribers to AOL does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: What? You can change light bulbs?

    Q: How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Seven: one to change the bulb and six to design the T-shirt.

    Q: How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.

    Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.

    Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Astronomers prefer the dark.

    B

    Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. (Comment: Ugh!)

    Q: How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).

    Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: It takes two, one to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

    Q: How many times does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?
    A: No one knows. Republicans automatically disbelieve him, and no one can ever trust a stinking liberal anyway.

    Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.

    Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One; she designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one, and screw itself in.

    Q: How many dumb blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: What's a light bulb?

    Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
    A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile . . .

    Q: How many body-builders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Six, one to do it and five to stand around and say "Man, you've got such awesome muscles. You're so cut."

    Q: How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.

    Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

    Q: How many BBS jokers does it take to tell yet another LBJ?
    A: 1,622. One to tell the original joke, and the rest to submit give some minor variation of it! For example:

    Q: How many BBSers does it take to submit a new light bulb joke?
    A: 1,000: One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."

    Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: 100. One to change the bulb and 99 to write the environmental impact report.
    A2: 45 — one to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
    A3: Two. One to assure us that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. (Note: See also "Civil Service.")

    Q: How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.

    Q: How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: That information <deleted > when the <deleted > <deleted > possibly at the behest of <deleted > national security <deleted > 9/11 <deleted > freedom <deleted > 9/11 <deleted > liberty <deleted > 9/11. Which is why it is vitally important for Congress to enact another tax cut for the wealthy.

    C

    Q: How many Cabbage Patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: The question is irrelevant, since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. (Note: Well, this was a good joke in 1983-84. . . .)

    Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A1: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
    A2: Silly, Californians don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot tubs.

    Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
    A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)

    Q: How many Centauri does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Nowadays, just one; but back in the glorious days of the Republic, hundreds of servants would change thousands of light bulbs at your slightest whim!

    Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three — one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.

    Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 10,0000 — to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

    Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but it takes six visits.

    Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three, but they're really only One.

    Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

    Q: How many Civil Service GS-6s does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Changing light bulbs is not in our job description.

    Q: How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: That's "women," you unfunny jerk!

    Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One, and he gets three credits for it.

    Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")

    Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: None. That's a hardware problem.
    A2: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

    Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

    Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

    Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. It turned itself in.

    Q: How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints will provide a quite nice illumination.

    D

    Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

    Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

    Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One.

    E

    Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb. (Note: See also "supply-side economists.")

    Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
    A: "Many hands make light work."

    Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

    Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.

    Q: How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: If the light bulb is out, that's the way Nature intended it!

    Q: How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and . . .

    Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: What? Change the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!

    Q: How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

    Q: How many strong [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

    Q: How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

    Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Two. One to doubt the existence of the bulb and one to question the need to change it at all since we are all destined to die anyway.
    A2: Two — one to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

    F

    Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: What does it matter? — we're all gonna die anyway.

    Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! (This joke was written in the mid-1980s, believe it or not!)

    Q: How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Six. One to do it, and five to write angry articles about it.
    A2: That isn't funny!

    Q: How many field service engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought.

    Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

    Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

    Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A1: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
    A2: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

    Q: How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.

    G

    Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"

    Q: How many (generals/politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.

    Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!

    Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but it sure takes a big load of light bulbs!

    Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.

    H

    Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
    A2: None. They always work in the dark.

    Q: How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one. The student holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around her/him.

    Q: How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.

    Q: How many Hollywood executives does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, but you have to promise creative control and an $80 million budget and that someone on the level of Tom Cruise will star.

    I

    Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but she/he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.

    Q: How many IBM documentation pros does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 100. Ten to do it and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, "Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility," of which 10 percent of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank" and 20 percent of the definitions are of the form "A series of non-blank characters separated by blanks."

    Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.

    Q: How many members of the Impossible Mission Force does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down to the fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new, super-high-tech model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willy has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

    Q: How many Internet mail list members does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 1,331:

    Q: How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

    Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 6,000,001. One to change the bulb and 6,000,000 to shout "Death to General Electric!" (Note: This joke dates from 1980, the Iran hostage crisis.)

    Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.

    Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Twenty-one — one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.

    Q: How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.

    J

    Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to replace a light bulb?
    A1: A-one . . . a-two . . . a one-two-three-four!
    A2: What makes you think jazz musicians can afford electricity?
    A3: We just lay down the beat and the bulb follows the groove.

    Q: How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.

    Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: "None, son — I'll just sit here in the dark...alone...."

    Q: How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

    Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

    Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?

    K

    Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Two. One to change it and the other to check for bugs.
    A2: None. There never was any light bulb.

    Q: How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.

    L

    Q: How many L.A. cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Six: one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to pieces.

    Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: How many can you afford?
    A2: Fifty-three. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services.
    A3: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

    Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be tween the parties.

    The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

    1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

    2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

    3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.

    NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by her/him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."

    Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: One, and it's not funny!
    A2: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

    Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw up rebutting the neocons' lies about them.
    A2: At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

    Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.

    Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

    Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
    A: The probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the network in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2. Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.

    M

    Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

    Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Depends on what you want to change it into.

    Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
    A2: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

    Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "fight darkness."

    Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.

    Q: How many Martians (mutants) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two and a half.

    Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

    Q: How many men does it take to change either a light bulb or a roll of toilet paper? A: No one knows. It has never happened.

    Q: How many Mensans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A1: You've got to be kidding! That's not politically or socially relevant, not to mention the triviality of its phenomenological obverse.
    A2: None — they can never decide how many watts it should be.
    A3: [A complicated mathematic formula appears here, so complicated that you almost don't notice that it's raised to the power of zero.] But of course you knew that.
    A4: None. Mensans can't screw in a light bulb. It's too small in there.

    Q: How many Mensans does it take to tell Mensa light bulb jokes?
    A: Five. One to tell the joke and one to get it.

    Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved — you can be a lightbulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

    Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.

    Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

    Q: How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

    Q: How many military information officers doed it take to change a light bulb?
    A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

    Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
    A2: Just one, but if he's a guy, he has to be on top.

    Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?).

    Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

    Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
    A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

    Q: How many Muslim women does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: The glorious Qur'an states many times that it takes a minimum of three women to equal one penis.

    Q: How many Muslim men does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: There is no Islamic way to change a light bulb. You must get an evil degenerate despicable unbelieving American to change your light bulb for you if you wish to enjoy evil degenerate despicable American technology.

    Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

    N

    Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A1: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
    A2: Just one. Excuse me, but could you please test the socket with your finger while I get a new bulb?

    Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

    Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Noneaya gahdamn f*****g bizness, Jack!
    A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.

    Q: How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Both of them.

    Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

    Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

    O

    Q: How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five. One to turn the bulb and four to chase off all the Californians who have come to relate to the experience.

    Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.

    P

    Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one — plus 99 more to cast out the spirit of darkness.

    Q: How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.

    Q: How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: As many as you can arrange for would be great.

    Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
    A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

    Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

    Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.

    Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Only one, but the bulb has to really *want* to be changed.
    A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

    Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but it takes 6,000 Russian troops to make sure he/she doesn't go on strike. (Obviously a somewhat dated joke!)

    Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
    A: You can unscrew the light bulb.

    Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.

    Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

    Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: None. It's a hardware problem.
    A2: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

    Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five — one to change the bulb and four to protect her life from anti-choicers who are convinced that all new light bulbs glow from the moment the manufacturer assembles the materials to make the light bulb, so their God of Love wants them to murder her.

    Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Six — two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
    A2: Nine — four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the new bulb to let the room stay dark.

    Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? (More? y,n)
    A: — — You should have hit "n"!

    Q: How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?
    Just one, but she'll say your disbelief is why she didn't know it would go out.

    Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
    A2: None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.

    Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.

    Q: How many pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: At least three. (Note: Think height!)

    R

    How many Rambos does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: If he wanted it replaced, he wouldn't have shot it out.
    A2: None. Conan the Commando replaces it while Rambo is momentarily distracted by the whole Laotian Army.

    Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

    Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None: A "Real Woman" would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

    Q: How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

    Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One, but it takes twelve steps.

    Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A1: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
    A2: None; they always use candles.

    Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 151: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.. (Warning: do not tell this to a Romulan, or be ready for a fight. Romulans consider this joke a disgrace, though it's not bad for a LBJ.)

    Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

    S

    Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.

    Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Both of them.

    Q: How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.

    Q: How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four: one to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!!

    Q: How many soap opera heroines does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. The heroine, who goes up on a ladder to do it, and her psychopathic twin sister, who pulls the ladder out from under her and then locks her in the attic so she can take her place, plus their cousin, who has plastic surgery to make her look like both of them so she can search for the jewels that are hidden in the socket.

    Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.

    Q: How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

    Q: How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.

    Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 51. One to change the bulb, and 50 to sing a sentimental song about the bulb being changed.

    Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the 18-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27-member Church Board, who appoint another 12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to the Disney corporation. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
    A2: One to change the bulb, and 16 million to boycott the maker of the old bulb for bringing darkness into the Church.

    Q: How many spammers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, but they'll offer to sell everybody in the world a quick and profitable method for doing it.

    Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

    Q: How many crew members of "Star Trek's" U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Nine. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, whereupon Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and three red-uniformed security officers beam down. The three security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Uhura reports that a Klingon ship is approaching, and the Enterprise warps out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king, who is suffering from an SF variation on the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues its five-year mission.

    Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. The darkness will cause the bulb to change by itself.

    Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: None. If the government will just leave it alone, it will gain the incentive to screw itself in.
    A2: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

    Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
    A2: The fish.

    T

    Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Seventeen. Do YOU have a problem with that!?
    A2: 57 — ya wanna make something of it?

    Q: How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.

    Q: How many tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: "We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay, now, exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong. Have you tried the on-off switch?"

    Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.

    Q: How many terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in a phone call to the news media.

    Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. There never was any light bulb.

    Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 100: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.

    Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

    U

    Q: How many members of U2 does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One: Bono will hold the bulb while the world revolves around him.

    Q: How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .

    Q: How many union members does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: Are you kidding?
    A2: 50.
    Q2: Why 50?
    A3: It's in the contract.

    Q: How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?

    Q: How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long- life, and tinted — all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

    Q: How many UN*X hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

    V

    Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Oooh, like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer shure!

    Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A1: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000001"
    A2: "The odds are precisely 5,271,009 to one that only one Vulcan will be necessary, Captain."

    W

    Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

    Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one-Watt bulb?
    A: Five: A black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple. . . . (Note: topical to the resignation of Interior Secretary James Watt in 1983.)

    Q: How many webspinners does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 404 (not found).

    Q. How many women with raging hormones does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, me. And do you know why? Because no one in this house ever lifts a finger except me! Not one! And even if someone even noticed that the light bulb needed changing, I'm the only person who knows where the replacement light bulbs are kept, and why? Because they've only been in the same cupboard for the last FIFTEEN YEARS! And even if by some miracle someone did notice the light bulb needed changing and did find where the replacement bulbs are kept, they would either decide that getting a stepstool is just too much work, or they would leave the stepstool in the middle of the floor, not to mention all the trash they generated, because they think I'm their bleeping SERVANT! . . .  I'm sorry, what was the question again?

    Y

    Q: How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.

    Z

    Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: A tree in a golden forest.
    A2: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change the bulb. (Note: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four — one to change the bulb.)
    A3: Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they carry their own light with them.
    A4: Two: one to change the bulb, and one to hit the student with a fish.
    A5: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
    A6: A bushel of wheat!

    82605 : 05Sep07


    Jerry Merchant and Mary Matthews


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