The following is a beginning for what I hope will be a complete compendium of jokes about lawyers. If you know of any that do not appear below (and are not minor variations on or expansions of any of the jokes below), please e-mail me at MotherMary@extremelysmart.com. Thanks! (P.S. Several of my best friends in the world are lawyers, and I almost became one myself before I came to my senses, back in the '70s. I have nothing but respect for the good ones, and nothing but contempt for the crooks.)
A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 years old died and
arrived at the pearly gates of heaven. The lawyer said to St. Peter, "I am surprised
I died so young. I was very active and always ate well. And I'm only 50 years old!"
St. Peter looked at his book and looked back down at the lawyer. "Fifty years old, you say? According to your billing records, you should be 83."
What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
. . . You can negotiate with terrorists.
The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are
in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave,
the money is gone. Who took it?
. . . Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy, the answer is obvious.
What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do?
. . . Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you call parachuting lawyers?
. . . Skeet.
How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
. . . "Good morning, your honor."
What do lawyers use for birth control?
. . . Their personalities.
Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste
. . . New Jersey had first choice!
Why do pharmaceutical company laboratories now use lawyers rather than lab
rats for testing?
. . . Lawyers breed faster, so there are more of them.
. . . Lab personnel don't get as emotionally attached to them.
. . . Lawyers do things rats won't.
. . . Animal protection groups don't get nearly as excited.
. . . Some people actually LIKE rats.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
. . . Two dobermans!
What happens when a lawyer is made godfather?
. . . He makes you an offer you can't understand.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake run down on the highway?
. . . Skid marks in front of the snake.
What do you have when you have ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
. . . Not enough sand!
What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
. . . A good start.
How do you know when a lawyer is lying?
. . . Her lips are moving.
What's the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?
. . . You can make a pet out of the snake.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
. . . The leech will let go and drop off after its victim dies.
What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
. . . Both have a big head that consists mainly of mouth.
Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
. . . Because deep down, they are really good guys!
What do male lawyers and sperm have in common?
. . . Only one in two million do any real work!
How do you tell the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
. . . One wallows in the mud and is a blood- sucking scavenger — the other is a fish!
Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
. . . Cats keep trying to bury them.
What's the definition of the term "flagrant waste"?
. . . That's a busload of lawyers going off the edge of a cliff with a vacant seat.
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
. . . With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
What do you get when you run an "honest lawyer" contest?
. . . No winners.
What do a baker and lawyer have in common?
. . . They both enjoy carving up the pie.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
. . . Cut the rope.
How many lawyers can you put on the head of a pin?
. . . Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
> . . . The vulture doesn't take its wing tips off at night.
What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
. . . The vulture doesn't get frequent flyer miles!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A3: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be tween the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by her/him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags and of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, his widow was up in the attic cleaning, and came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darn fool," she exclaimed, "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
One day a lawyer died and found herself at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" The woman answered, "I was a Hollywood divorce lawyer."
Nodding ominously, St. Peter asked, "What have you done to earn an eternal reward in heaven?"
The lawyer thought about it long and hard, searching her mind for the one good deed that might gain her entrance to heaven. "As a matter of fact, the other day I passed a panhandler in the street and I gave him fifty cents," she said beamingly.
St. Peter nodded grimly, looking over at his assistant Gabriel, and asked, "Is that in the records?" Gabriel nodded his assent. St. Peter than said, "That's not very impressive, nor is it enough. I'm sorry," and started to close the gates.
"Wait, wait! There's more," shouted the woman. "The other night, as I was walking home, I almost tripped over a homeless child in the street. I gave him fifty cents too!"
Peter again checked with Gabriel who confirmed the incident. "Is there anything else?"
The lawyer again thought and thought and sadly said, "Not that I can remember."
St. Peter contemplated for a long time and then asked Gabriel, "What do you think I should do?"
Gabriel glanced at the lawyer disgustedly and said, "I'd give her back her buck and tell her to go to hell!"
Jerry Merchant and Mary Matthews